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Post  Post subject: New here, grandchild question  |  Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 11:37 am

Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2016 10:28 am
Posts: 2

First visit.
Brief history-- 60 year old 7th generation Mormon (you know some of my ancestors). Never a full believer even as a child although raised in a normal active family. I set my disbelief aside for a mission and temple marriage, both very good. BYU. still married 2 kids, 6 grandchildren. Wife is no longer active either (how nice)
Always considered active by others and had many callings including a Bishop's executive sec. a few years ago in spite of not paying tithing or wearing garments since the mid 80s. I went to church most of the time since I didn't want to create problems with the family. Besides, I really liked the people and tried very hard to pick up something worthwhile every time, not just waste time.
Prop 8 was my line in the sand so to speak, we only go now when grandkids are singing or my Mom is in town. The members are still good friends, but the new ones wonder who this guy is when I play basketball with them.
I mentally eased out over the decades of the 70s and 80s. Reading Sunstone (first found in the BYU Honors reading room in about 1974 of all places) and Dialogue from the early 80s on was a big factor in keeping me around the church. (as in--people a whole lot smarter than me are making this church thing work) I read and learned much about church history, voraciously reading everything I could find (nearly all primary sources, no anti stuff). I mean several 10s of thousands of pages! It was a hobby and even back on my mission reading the official histories confirmed my underlying disbelief. I was completely free of any need to make things fit many years pre-internet. My only inner conflicts were trying to avoid negatively influencing my family and be seen as a "bad guy".
When Prop 8 finally triggered full inactivity, an actual feeling of joy was experienced. No hard feelings at the time since I see the good the church is in the lives of many. Not so sure about that now, seeing the large underlying amount of pain and suffering it also brings to some (never me though). The balance between the good and bad parts is questionable.

My dilemma. I would love to officially resign but fear it would perhaps cause strain in our relationship with our kids and grandkids, all very active. One lives in our ward in fact. I would like to send a message, small though it may be, but am concerned it will be a family problem. As a result I am just a smiling inactive guy. Anyone with experience either way when it comes to this dilemma ?

Post  Post subject: Re: New here, grandchild question  |  Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 12:51 pm

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
Posts: 2802
Location: NC

Hi freeandhappy,


People are people and they are all different but many have shared that being inactive is a whole different thing to being an Ex in the eyes of a TBM. Your family members may well take on more hurt if they know you have resigned. Or they may take on a research project to find out why.

With my kids, I thought about it this way, would I leave them in a school that was teaching them inaccurate information?

Because this wrong stuff will have a wrong impact on their lives. Not only is it the wasted time and energy and money but it's a faulty foundation that their life gets built on. Myself, I found that went I left Mormonsim, that I reconsidered all sorts of things like drinking or not, smoking or not and even which political party I wanted to be associated with. Now not everything changed but everything got looked at and several of them more than once.

WRT the good works of the Mormons, I would agree that it's not all bad. I would also suggest that there are other civic organizations that are not that bad either. It's my opinion that most Mormons are well meaning sheep that are consumed but the wolves at the top. Where the line is ... well that's debatable but I think it's pretty far up.

Anyway, Mostly leadership wants quitters like me to vanish quietly. Mostly they want members to think that people like me just couldn't hack it and gave in to sin. Mostly they keep people in through these friendships an family fears that you shared. The cost, well it's front loaded, meaning you pay heavy at first and the rewards come over time later. I've made new friends. I've smoothed out things with my family mostly. I've discovered that people who are my friends now are generally more genuine then the assigned friends (aka Home Teachers, etc) from back in the day. I mourned loosing their assigned friendship and their faked concern but mostly it was a well orchestrated emotion. Now I don't know your situation and how many of your associations are real friendships and how many, are like many others in our life, that don't last past Jr Highschool, or Highschool, or college or your neighborhood or your company/job.

So I was saying, leadership likes to keep your exit quiet but some people know and are told. Bishop, SP and in some form or another, the EQP and RSP need to know so they can call off Hometeachers, etc. From there you're dealing with people and ... well every one is different. In my case, I went to my parents directly and told them because Mom worked at the temple and the temple pres went to my ward. I'd rather they hear it form me then hear it through gossip.

Another thought is that at 60 with children and grandchildren, odds are some of them are inactive and riding it out, just like you, or already done and you might give them courage to leave too.


I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17

Post  Post subject: Re: New here, grandchild question  |  Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 1:10 pm

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
Posts: 1693
Location: England


I would say you are more than a smiling inactive guy.

I totally support what poc writes above.

At the end of the day, our lives need to count for something and point the way for others. If you resign, it doesn't mean that it has all been a waste nor that it all will be a loss. Like today I decided to follow some advice that my bishop gave to me, not because I respect his authority, as I did once, but just because it was/is good advice.

And there are some things I just did not want to be associated with any more and I wanted to do all I could to get as far from them as I could.

My mum waited for me to resign and then when she knew I was going to do that, she resigned too. Like poc said, let your light, your truth shine, that is the way to a positive future for you all.

Why leave? ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? ... ion225.mp3

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