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20 years of manipulation and fear...
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Author:  LovinPink [ Thu Apr 21, 2016 12:31 pm ]
Post subject:  20 years of manipulation and fear...

We all have those crystal clear childhood memories; you know, the ones that shape us. One of mine is looking at a picture of Jesus Christ and wondering if all I'd been raised to know was a lie.

You see, I grew up in Utah county, where everything and everyone around is Mormon. It was all I ever knew. Even as my mom got pregnant thrice outside of marriage (one of those times being with a meth head, who she didn't hesitate to bring into her young children's lives) she told us we wouldn't be with Jesus after we died for every mistake we made. She was selfish, judgmental and hypocritical, but more than anything she was emotionally and physically abusive.

I've suffered from many many disabilities in my life. Of course I was taught that these where God-given challenges, made specifically to help me grow. Things got really bad when I was ten, and a surgery to remove a tumor from my siatic nerve left me septic. My mom told those in the ward to fast for me and they did. All I hear about it now is that I owe God for saving me, but I feel I deserve the credit for surviving that. After all, it was a painful, aweful year for me and at no point did it feel miraculous. I fought for survival through that, it wasn't given to me.

The next summer, while at camp for disabled children, I was molested. Having been told all my life than any sexual activity was forbidden, and made it simply impossible to get into the 'celestial kingdom', I felt my chance for eternal happiness had been destroyed.

Anyway, my whole life I've been told what I owe God. I've been told what God will love me for, and what he'll hate me for. I've listened to everyone around me preach love, and while watched them act in such complete hate, and they called it 'Gods work'. So a few years ago when I came to admit to myself that I'm besexual and always was, I hated myself. They made me afraid and confused and I was miserable: selfharming, and convinced even God despised me. I thought that was why he gave me such a cursed life.

But two years ago I met someone who helped me create my own path. He helped me to realize that there was more to the world than the nonsense they teach. And last night, he helped me have the courage to send my resignation email! I've never felt so hopeful and happy!

Its still going to be a long journey, and I'm afraid of the way my family will react if they find out, but I'm so happy that I'm on the path to bring rid of their judgments and thoughts. And I'm so proud that soon I won't be a part of that backwards ridiculousness anymore!

My point here is that they will use whatever they can to trap you and keep you. They'll use all your insecurities and fears and they'll stop at nothing to make you feel like you need the Mormon church. BUT NOTHING THEY SAY IS TRUE! If you're unhappy, and you want to leave but haven't, don't wait any longer. They can say and think what they want, but you can choose to be bigger!

Thanks for taking the time to read my little rant here! I'm excited to become a part of this little online community and to learn from all of you! :-D :-D :-D

Author:  Melanie [ Thu Apr 21, 2016 1:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 20 years of manipulation and fear...

No! The thanks are to you sweetheart <3 Thank you for trusting us with your story thus far. The future waits. You are awesome. I am very pleased to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you better over the coming times.

Author:  teoma2 [ Thu Apr 21, 2016 4:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 20 years of manipulation and fear...

Ditto that here Loveinpink. You are among friends who care. You may not realize it since it's your initial post here, but over the course of time, its very possible to make some really great friends here. Since you apparently are open to new ideas, you'll probably learn a lot in the process of extracting yourself and learning even more.

Author:  productofchoice [ Fri Apr 22, 2016 4:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: 20 years of manipulation and fear...

Welcome LovinPink!

I appreciate your raw and honest story. Thanks for sharing :)

Peace

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