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Brandon87
Post  Post subject: New here  |  Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 4:35 pm
Nursery

Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:17 am
Posts: 8

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Glad I've found a supportive community for this. I've been reading a lot from other members here for a while now and it has been extremely encouraging and has given me a LOT of confidence. And I thank all of you for that.

I've been "inactive" for over 10 years now. Although I hate using the term "inactive" as it suggests I'm an easily manipulated machine that, with enough persistence, will fall in line and simply be switched back on. I haven't considered myself a member, is what I like to say.

Anyway, I've been very reluctant for a long time now to go through with the resignation process, mostly because a) I have close family members that will either disown me or guilt me into the ground if/when they find out, and b)I've been terrified of an all out "assault" from the church, mainly in the form of visits at home. I recently moved into an extremely densely LDS-populated area. Needless to say missionaries are everywhere.

One problem I've struggled with, which I attribute to my upbringing in the church throughout my vulnerable childhood where I was manipulated and molded into a shell of an actual human being (which I absolutely, deeply, truly resent them for), is the seemingly complete lack of ability to stand up and speak my mind when confronted by missionaries or church members. I almost writhe in anger when thinking about what to say the next time they come around, and I feel the utmost confidence, I know exactly what to say...until that knock comes. Suddenly I seem to revert into extreme passiveness and can't bring myself to tell them I'm not interested and to stop coming to my house. Hell, they came to my house a few nights ago, right as my wife and I were going to bed, at 9:00 at night, banging like they were trying to break down the door. What did I do? Step outside, let them read me a scripture and agree to let them return next Monday. *sigh* pathetic, I know.

Anyway, I've got the email ready to send to records and am ready to hit "send", but I still can't help but feel like I'm about to open the floodgates which will unleash a furious, never ending, swirling, torrential s#*t storm, the likes of which no mere mortal can survive. (Might sound a little dramatic, I know, but this is no joke how the fear is consuming me). How have you guys dealt with this anxiety? And knowing of inevitable, and in this case, scheduled, missionary visits? Should I simply ignore them until they go away, even though they'll probably just return the next day? I have this irrational reasoning of sacrificing my own happiness in order to appease other people, even if I hate them. I need this resignation to move on with my life, and I truly feel it will make me feel like a whole new person. I'm just feeling like I'm losing a little backbone.


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: New here  |  Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:17 pm
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
Posts: 1693
Location: England

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Hey! Sorry you've got me again, I don't know where everybody is today. :) You're doing great, this is a big step after 10 years. You are not on your own with regards to struggling with the whole feeling passive/ conflicted when confronted with the missionaries and other ward members. I certainly can relate to that. It has taken me 2 years to be happy with what I say to missionaries and members now....everything is a journey. But I remember how awful it was in the early days before I resigned, dreadful conflict of wanting to keep friendships so being guarded in what I felt I could say, and yet that ruined my self esteem and integrity. I am so glad I am not in that place any more. None of this is pathetic, it is the very real work of growth and you are absolutely on track. Very many people also find it hard to stand up to others in non LDS situations too..part of the conditioning we have gone through, and also hard to make decisions.

One of the things you may very well find out soon is that actually the church is not very concerned about individual members after all. I know it is hard when you have family that may not be understanding of your decision and may not support you, but with regards to missionary visits the trick is to be clear that you are resigning, that you are done with the church. Be clear from the outset here. It alters everything. If they feel you may be wavering, then they will love bomb you, it is a technique they use. And then in a little while, you can say that you are helping people to resign too, that the ex mormon community is great, that you send them lots of love for you know where they are in their lives at the moment but you can assure them that if in the future they too find out that the church is not true, it is not the end of the world and there are a lot of people sending them lots of love.
You are that whole new person already, your happiness matters so much and you are very strong.
I am excited for you.

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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Brandon87
Post  Post subject: Re: New here  |  Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:57 pm
Nursery

Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:17 am
Posts: 8

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Thank you so much. I totally appreciate your response to both of my posts, I know I kind of repeated a few things lol. But im glad to get your input again. Trust me, I need all I can get. Even tho im acting like a scared puppy right now I feel good about the fact that looking through the forum it seems like everyone was exactly the same when they were at my stage. And its really cool because, even just through reading text on their posts you can totally tell when the stress falls off their shoulders and how happy and not stressed everyone comes across after posting that they got their final confirmation letter. Keeping my fingers crossed it goes smoothly for me.


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: New here  |  Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 9:15 am
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
Posts: 2802
Location: NC

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Hi Brandon,

Welcome!

Do you take that same submissive stance in other situations not involving the LDS or is this the one area?

You expressed some concerns,
#1) Family reaction.
For many family members, inactive means there is a level of hope that isn't there when you resign. Resigned is a whole different situation. So there may be a strong reaction if/when they find out.

#2) Community reaction / church reaction.
I generally think it won't be a big deal. Most probably won't know or care. Most probably won't get told. LDS Don't want lots of members knowing that lots of members are leaving ... it creates questions that they don't want addressed.

WRT speaking your mind I think some of that goes back to knowing your reasons. I'd practice a 3 or so minute explanation why you no longer want to be associated with the LDS church. Keep it to 3-5 main reasons (Maybe the Book of Abraham translation, BoM DNA and Polygamy for example). Know those points well. Tell your story quickly. Let it go. If they want to debate, they must also study those point. Debating where one has Facts and the other has Feelings is not a debate, it's an argument.

You mentioned you have a wife. How is she with all of this? Have her with you when/if there is another discussion with the missionaries. Don't let them out number you. Look at the room and there are ways of creating a superior setting in subtle ways ... like y'all take the taller seats and give them the lower seats. Or you stand while they sit.

Missionaries like to say that they want to share a message, which is more like they want to lead and control a discussion. You have a discussion of your own you want to have. Have it. Don't let them drive the agenda.

And be busy. Don't let them control your schedule, even if you just have a date with Candy Crush. Be ready at the return appointment ... they practice and prepare and confer and plan before they show up. They are organized and ready ... so if you engage you should prepare too.

On a side note, you commented that you live in "an extremely densely LDS-populated area". Isn't it interesting that they have lots of missionaries in this area where likely they really don't need them? Members should deal with this area while those missionaries go off to convert in other areas.


So I just had this idea. If polygamy is your issue and you've done some research on it, you could ask them at the door, "How many wives did Joseph Smith have?" And if they can't tell you at least 20 then don't let them in. Tell them to go back and do some research because that's the topic you want to talk to them about. Those women have names and stories.

General worry thoughts.

Worry is fear combined with inaction. You can control the action.

Most of the things we worry about don't happen.

Worry can be thought of as meditating on the worst outcomes. Meditation is a powerful thing and it tends to attract that thought into our lives.

When you have fear, it helps to make an explicit list of all the things you fear will happen. Add probabilities to those outcomes. Decide which of those outcomes you can live with if they happen. Take action to reduce the likelihood and/or impact of the worse outcomes. Review it with your wife because she is your partner in this ... she's got your back. Some of those outcomes you will have no control over and so you just give them to God.

Let us know how it goes.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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Brandon87
Post  Post subject: Re: New here  |  Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 11:16 am
Nursery

Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:17 am
Posts: 8

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Thanks for your input and suggestions. Ya my wife has been amazing with her support in this. On a positive note, I sent my resignation via email last night and even that alone has boosted my confidence a bit. Im feeling a little bit better about being able to handle the next encounter I have. I'd absolutely love to debate/debunk beliefs with them, although theyd probably just go to their canned answers and immediately disregard my heathen points of view, but I think im going to go the short and sweet route. Something along the lines of "im not interested/a member anymore, please dont contact me again" and lock up before they have a chance to rebut. That is a funny/great point about how they flood the member-heavy areas with mishies. Gotta keep tabs and squash any free thinking before it happens.


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: New here  |  Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:33 pm
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
Posts: 2802
Location: NC

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Hey Brandon,

Glad to help. WRT Debunking though, it's a thing where they are going to have to change their own minds. All you can do is plant sees and ask hard questions because like I said, you can't have a debate when one person has facts and the other has feelings; only an argument. Debates only happen after you both look at some information and come to different conclusions and then the debate becomes about how you came to that conclusion. A whole different discussion.

And if you just want to say, "Go away and don't come back, I'm not interested" that's perfectly fine. No problems.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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