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HappyValleyXX
Post  Post subject: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 8:38 am
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Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 8:21 am
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I would love some suggestions from anyone regarding easing the frustration, pain and misunderstanding of communicating with my Mormon family. I have tried every way possible to respect their points of view but get a very stark, "You have the right to feel differently" when I try to communicate my feelings or life. I have done this unsuccessfully for over 50 years and am about ready to give up and move on permanently. I love them but cannot do this anymore without some sort of reciprocal sense of respect and acceptance. Any hints or help is welcome. I should have done this years ago but did not know how many others felt the way I have felt for so long. This is a wonderful forum. Thanks.


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:54 pm
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
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Hi Happy,

So if we knew more about what's happening maybe that would help.

Love um. If you love them they may relax and in that safe and trusting place might open up.

Ask questions, don't make statements or accusations. And don't ask your questions as an accusation. Honest questions that inspire personal research is what seems to be more effective. They, in the quiet of their room when they are alone and looking may open up. That's what happened to me. I was trying to answer difficult questions in an attempt to defend the LDS church.

Talk about "safe" stuff. I talk to my TBM Dad about gardening and stuff like that where we share a shared interest. People will talk about the things they are passionate about. If they are only passionate about Mormonism ... well that's a tough hill to climb.

Be as open to influence as you hope they are. It's a lecture when only one side is open.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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HappyValleyXX
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:28 pm
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Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 8:21 am
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Thank you productofchoice.
I was raised in a fanatical Mormon home in the 50's and 60's. I emotionally removed myself from the torture of all the craziness when I was 12 but had to continue to do what I was told or be punished until I could move out. I was not bright enough to realize I needed to move out of state and far from my family for a time to deal with my decisions and life. I remained living in Utah for 40 more years, hating every minute because all my issues were still unresolved.

I endured their continued talks about coming back into the fold and seeing the light until we moved out of state five years ago. I can't describe the freedom I felt for the first time since being that little girl being punished and belittled.
A couple of weeks ago we returned to Utah to make a very short visit and I finally tried to express to them how I had felt all those years. it was not an attack on them or my parents, just an honest expression of my life. My sister immediately considered it a personal attack on the entire family and the church and does not want me to return unless I "seek professional help." The PUBLIC FAMILY FORUM as I call it has been abuzz since we left and a designated member has emailed us to reiterate my need for spiritual and psychological help.
I am tired of fighting this yet I love them. I just want to respond in writing in a caring way that states my viewpoint and yet does not cow down to this holier than thou approach to life. Maybe there is no way to accomplish this task and I am continuing to beat my head on the wall.

I am sorry to drone on and on but my common sense and dignity is eroding just by typing this. Again, thanks for the support and ideas.


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 3:22 pm
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
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You are living your truth. You are not responsible for how others think of you. You are not responsible for their positions in life nor for their decisions about their values. They do not reflect on you. This is a journey that needs not be wrapped up in Mormonism; it is part of owning who you are as an adult. It is not about your love for them, that is a given and that is beautiful, many would not state love that after such a journey as yours. Seems like you have expressed yourself to them thoroughly already. You don't need to keep jumping through their emotional hoops.

“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
― Shannon L. Alder


And welcome to the Forums

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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HappyValleyXX
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:25 am
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Wow, I must state that is one of the most touching letters I have read. Thank you for taking the time to not only write but to know exactly what I needed to move on. As difficult as it will be it is indeed the best way to live a full life and be happy.
You are correct that this does not mean I don't love them but I need to love myself.
You write beautifully and make so much sense. This morning is a new dawn of hope for me and you can take the pat on the back for that. Your words will be carried in my purse so that every time I attempt to think the "old way" I can pull them out and remember to move forward in a positive way.
I am so glad I found this forum and you. Best.


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:04 pm
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
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Hi Happy,

Before I left, I went and talked to my parents who are very much TBM. I told them I was resigning and some high level why. I wanted them to hear it from me and not through the grapevine. I was almost 40 at the time. Dad went back and forth with me. Mom fumed. Before I left their house I asked if I could send some information about changes to the scriptures and dad agreed.

So I send them a 25 or so page document, just to them. A couple of days later mom send an email to the whole family and basically says I'm a follower of the destroyer and accuses me of recruiting siblings, which I hadn't. But my reply went to the whole family and CC'ed them what I sent to Mom.

Family stuff got rocky for a while and there was some back and forth with some siblings.

Over time for me it settled down. I don't get into it with them any more. If it's brought up I'm ready to discuss but I don't need to pick a fight. They can try and refute facts if they wish. The changes happened and the Joseph Smith papers support my claims. My parents may even remember some of the changes to the temple ceremonies. So then it comes down to deciding if they are important or not.

When you decide the church is true, you are willing to do the backbends necessary to justify the facts ... or hold your hand over all the parts you consider unreliable and troublesome. They start from the decision that it's true, that they are a part of a royal generation and chosen generation with the full truth. It's a pride problem. It's a stubborn problem as they not only think it or believe it, but they "Know" it ... they have promoted a feeling to facts and it messes with a person's head. They defend their feelings with feelings and your comments which might have made great factual sense were noise. You don't win an emotional argument with facts. You don't win a factual argument with emotions.

Emotions are fickle. I cried when I watched the cartoon movie "Bambi". I was disgusted and bothered when I watched "Schindlers List." Which of those stories is true? Which of those events really happened? And which of those more accurately simulates a feeling like a Mormon testimony?

So back to your family. Their strong reactions don't come from a place of strength but from a place of fear. People who are confident and secure don't react that way. They turn the light on you because they can't bear to have a light turned on them. If they were honest they might admit that while they believe Mormonism is true they don't really have hope that it will save them, at least not as they are living now. They want it to be true and want to do it all right but they don't ... and they cover up those sins and only peek at them in the quiet when they are alone ... but they want to help their spouse and/or kids to make it and dare not slack off else their family might loose hope or encouragement. And this stuff eats at their enthusiasm. Mormons claim to love the church but most don't go about talking to non-members. Sometimes they get guilted into it. They want to love God and Jesus but mostly they feel accused and feel that they don't even come close to measuring up.

They love you they way they see their God loving them ... very conditionally. You have to clean yourself up to come into their presence just as they have to clean themselves up to come into God's presence. They abandon you in your sins just as the Holy Spirit aka the helper abandons them when they sin. The Mormon God is the God of Conditional Love.


So what do you do?

Absolutely, completely you are free to make your own decision. I have some thoughts, take from them what you will.

They have to want to have a relationship with you or it just won't happen. I might be putting some words in your mouth here. You aren't going back to Mormonism. You're not interested in talking about Mormon topics with them. You are willing to forego talking about "Anti-Mormon" topics with them. You love them, miss them and desire a relationship with them as they are within these boundaries. If any or all of them are interested in looking past y'alls differences WRT Mormonism and would like to explore that you would like to give things a try. No time limits. And maybe that's a letter right there.

Short of any reciprocal reaching back, it's maybe birthday and Christmas cards from here on.

What you may find is that those who are tottering and clinging discover that the Mormon church is not true and that they have been buying into lies and you might find that when Mormonism is no longer the issue that you can have a very different relationship with them. I've seen that between my wife and her siblings. I've seen hints of that with old LDS friends and some of it with some of my siblings.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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HappyValleyXX
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:25 pm
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Productofchoice: Thank you again for reaching out. These posts are so helpful in getting me on my way to have a life without the toxic celestial comments and judgments.
In answer to your questions. No I am not interested in being Mormon in any way and have no desire to talk about the religion with my family. That was a losing battle 50 years ago. I just wanted a little understanding from them regarding my life choices but the last few posts have cemented my decision to just move on and communicate on a limited basis from afar.
I love the life I have now and want to just enhance it with taking care of myself and those who truly care and understand. I think your statement of birthday and Christmas cards is pretty accurate. That's ok with me. I have given it my all for many many years and the time has come to let them live in the bubble without my input or judgment.
I'm sorry that you have had to deal with so many battles and Mormon drama also. I sincerely hope things work out for you because you seem to have a pretty good perspective on things.
I will be back when I need a pick-me-up or more good advice. Best


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Wed Jul 29, 2015 7:53 am
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
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Location: NC

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Come back whenever. I wish you well.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: Suggestions to communicate to Mormon family members  |  Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2015 9:25 am
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
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Location: England

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Hi!
I am so glad that you found resonance with my post. Thank you for replying :)
I have walked, through my journey, in the light of such words. They will get inside of you........ and then don't forget to share them with the next person who will be ready to hear.
I am very pleased to have met you. Take Care, Melanie

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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