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Post  Post subject: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 8:28 pm
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Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:56 pm
Posts: 1
Location: Yorkshire, UK

I've been an ex-mormon for about 10 yrs now and still struggling to connect to. . .anyone really.

I live in the UK, so socializing generally revolves around the pubs and clubs. . .I was never into that, never will be. I was married till recently (well, two years ago) so my life revolved around my family till the split, now my two teens have lives of their own, I'm dealing with losing my ten year old daughter every other weekend to my ex-husband and am struggling to deal with the injustice of that on top of this new level of loneliness. . .When I first left the church, the companionship from my husband buffered me from the full force of losing my church social network (such as it was). Now I feel totally destitute.

Whats to do now? All I ever wanted was a depth of connection with people who had true integrity/empathy and I've never felt more disconnected in my life. Sometimes I feel so angry I can't feel any other emotions. I spent most my adult life (from the age 24-34) caring for my brother who suffered a breakdown on his mission. . .he was doped up on 'meds' for years till he was diagnosed with higher-functioning autism and weaned off meds enough to be able to function again.

I have little family to turn to and none that I truly relate to. I have to be honest and say its pretty damn hard finding anyone in 'real-life' that I can relate to. . . I can't blame Mormonism for making me a social retard, but it sure didn't help. I think far too much at the moment to be any fun and I've become so very cautious of people in general. . .my trust was shattered first when I lost my religion, second when I lost my faith in government (post Iraq) and finally when my husband, who I had believed to be my soulmate, hurt me almost beyond my ability to cope.

So, here I am, hoping that there's some people on here who might just be able to pull me out of this funk with some kind advice and introspective musings. . .

If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.

You know I hate, detest, and can't bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because. . .there is a taint of death, a flavour of mortality in lies

He was the first to recognize me, and to love what he saw.

Post  Post subject: Re: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:40 pm
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Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 7:46 pm
Posts: 6226

I wish I could be of more help, but I've discovered that it's much more difficult to make new friends when you're an adult.

I found one friend on-line and we really hit it off. We were planning on meeting for lunch some time this summer, until she suddenly went on a big rant about atheists. I was so disappointed. I realized that with an attitude like hers, we would really hit a snag in our budding friendship. I didn't think it would matter, but apparently it did matter to her, a lot.

My parents joined the local seniors centre and have become really involved with it, but my Mom said that there wasn't really anyone that she could become really close friends with. She realized that life-long friends had a history, a connection, which you just can't find when you're an adult.

She told me to make sure that I kept my life-long friends. I said, "But, Mom, they're all Mormons. I just don't fit in with them anymore."

So, I don't know what the answer is. Maybe that's why I cling to the on-line communities. On the ex-Mormon forums, I can find people who understand where I've been, where I am now and where I hope to get to. We have ex-Mormonism in common.

There should be more ex-Mormon get-togethers. There don't seem to be anything like that around here. But if you live in an area where they do have them, maybe you could join up with an ex-Mo group.

"A mind stretched by a new idea can never go back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Post  Post subject: Re: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 5:55 am

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
Posts: 1693
Location: England

Hi! Welcome to the Forums. There are great uk Facebook groups, I can put you in touch with someone who can link you in if you wish. And folk meet up, but a lot of that is London based. Bobby Gilpin is up north, you can look him up. Check out John's podcast in my signature which has great advice even if some of it will be removed from your immediate situation with you being out a while.

There are very many life situations that cause these feelings of emptyness and the loss of a partner, the loss of a belief system and changes in family are some of the big ones. Buddhism talks into impermanance and meditation is very positive and in my experience, people who hang out around meditation and Buddhism are very interesting and accepting.

John talks about hobbies and especially ones where you wear a uniform or outfit, and going for walks in the rain.
As far as I am concerned, try anything that someone with real experience suggests and these have worked for me.

What you experience here is not unusual and I hope you will find a way through it, as I hope I do too. Take Care x

Why leave? ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? ... ion225.mp3

Post  Post subject: Re: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:21 am
God of Mythbusters

Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2009 8:30 am
Posts: 4805
Location: Kolobian Lowlands

Welcome Digger. You're not alone any more, you'll find a lot of support here and new friends, to provide you with the reassurance that your new choices and perspectives are correct for yourself.

And as an adult now, it will take a little more time to get there, to turn things around, for the better. So start out here, and be patient with yourself, as those good things in life, do take a while to develop and obtain when you work at it.

"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."

Post  Post subject: Re: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 10:06 am

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
Posts: 2802
Location: NC

Hi Digger,


I was TBM when I went through my divorce and separation ... It was a lonely time even with the church for me. I really didn't fit in with the family ward when I was a single guy with kids. Generally the wives arrange the social stuff and well I didn't have one to arrange stuff for me.

You commented that you thought that the church made you a social retard ... well in some ways it does. There's a difference between Friendship and Fellowship. Mormons are great at assigning you friends. People visit, help, etc out of obligation first and hopefully desire later if it ever gets to that point. Generally once the obligation is gone so are the visits ... well that was my experience. The friendship was rarely larger than the obligation. It sets you on a bad pattern for making friends where an emotional desire fuels the activity... an inside to Outside pattern as opposed to Mormonism's outside to inside aka fake it until you make it pattern.

Anyway, welcome :)


I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17

joseph's myth
Post  Post subject: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:35 pm
God of Poly-Folly

Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:29 pm
Posts: 5547

Hi LittleDigger,
This is the ExMormon community to which you might say that you belong, and we all sometimes suffer maybe very similar stories. I've enjoyed, really really enjoyed get-togethers with recovering Jehovah's Witnesses with PostMo's and former Scientologist's all meeting together at the same time. Can you imagine? Something like that can take so much of the hurt and anger away, for sure.

I simply wanted to say hi, and to conclude my feelings about the high functioning asbergers and autism thing. I see too many Mormons struggling to understand themselves at times. The best new phrase that I have learned is called "Identify Foreclosure" and I am intrigued with the concept.

Hang in there girl, we're all rooting for you! Thrilled to maybe have made a good solid connection with each other. The confidence comes along, even if maybe you might have had very litte beforehand, count on it building up and waxing rather than waning or decreasing.

You are so strong and impressive to everybody here already, the credit goes to either just simply reading about everyone's struggles and even more so, for reaching out and sharing your very own story.

Thank You.


God of Poly-Folly Folly

{If you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer ~Stevie Wonder}

God of Poly-Folly Folly

Post  Post subject: Re: Where do you fit in now you don't 'fit in'  |  Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2015 6:32 pm
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Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:23 am
Posts: 7887
Location: D&C 121:39

Welcome, Little Digger. I was so despondent when I separated from the Church, thinking my life was over. When I first found exmormonforums, I was a little scared. I had been trained that exmormons were, well you know the hype. I discovered that exmormons have a lot of integrity. Well, there are exceptions everywhere, aren't there By and large, I became very comfortable around other exmormons. There is a shared experience that lets us understand and empathize in ways that never-mormons just can't.

We need friends, that's for sure. There must be lots of exmormons in UK. Maybe there's something like "Meetup" that can connect you with some. In the meantime, you'll find supportive people here and maybe in another on-line community set up for exmormons.

Your family situation sounds a little difficult. I don't know how I would handle it if I were in the same situation. Probably not well. Unless I had someone to talk to about it - to vent and rave a little, I guess. Appreciate the special moments, special times, times together. Your daughter loves you, and will probably later see you as a strong, fair person, for having the confidence - and giving her the self-confidence - to let her go to visit her father every couple of weeks.

I've been watching "Midsomer Murders" for about a month now. I love the foreign language. "England and America are two countries separated by a common language." :titter: It kind of grew on me. I even printed off a map of Midsomer County, read about its reception in other countries - and how they changed the name of it in many of them. I don't like murder, but I like the mystery of figuring things out, the different customs, what's on the shelves, the odd dichotomy between "upstairs and downstairs", and, like I said, the language.

Keep cheerful. There is One faithful and true. Some one for every one.

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