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Meep
Post  Post subject: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 2:36 pm
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I am so glad to have found a community of people who might understand what I'm feeling.

I'm 20, will have been Mormon free for 2 years this March, I have my resignation letter sitting in the mailbox as I type this. I've been moved out of my parents house for about six months now and am living with my nevermo fiance. I've completed my generals in college and have finally come to a point where I have to make desicions about where I want to take my education and future life.

My fiance's relatives have started pushing and pushing me. Trying to get me to make these decisions that I just don't know how to make. I went into a depression for a couple months over it. It started with blaming myself for having no direction, hating myself for feeling so confused and overwhelmed. They talked like this was supposed to be so easy, why didn't I have passions and talents that I could pursue? Why wasn't this easy for me like I felt it should be. It got to the point where I did nothing but lay in bed and cry and hate myself and consider suicide as a way to make it all just go away. I felt so useless, I still feel useless.

My fiance finally helped me out of this depression, he didn't fully understand why I was feeling the way I did and still do. He tries to help, he really does, but he just doesn't understand. I have started to regain some self esteem and a sense of self worth, but I feel lost. I don't know who I am, I lost my identity when I left the church. Which is why I clinged to it for so long after learning the faults in its history. Now I've been suddenly thrust into real life, into an adult relationship, all of which I probably wasn't ready for. And I've just felt so overwhelmed with it all.

Recently, I've made a promise to myself that I would stop wallowing in self pity and try to move forward with life. I want to find my passion and my talents and develop a career. But first I would need to get to the core of my self esteem issues and work from there.

So I started doing just that, what makes me feel as though I am so worthless? And after stumbling upon The Exmormon Conference I listened to a lady talk about "The Teapot Mentality" about how growing up Mormon she was told how to think, what to believe, and never had to do things for herself it was all done for her. And that just hit home. I realized that for the past six months I had been expecting direction from my fiance and from new people in my life. I expect them to tell me what to do, to tell me what my passions and talents are and then I'd happily go along with whatever they told me.

Apparently that's not how the real world works. I'm expected to be making my own choices, to choose my own direction in life.

And I've realized that I don't know how to do that.

What followed was an anger, a rage, a hate that I've never before experienced. All those negative feelings that I was taught to stuff into my feelings box and pretend never exsisted burst out. A sudden realization of how deeply the Mormon cult had really affected me. I grew up a robot, doing what my master commanded, and now I'm a real girl. I don't know how to be real, being real is overwhelming. A part of me wants to go back to that comfort where having a uterus and using it is worthy enough for praise. But I know I would never be happy.


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:00 pm
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
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Hello Meep,

Welcome.

I hear what you are saying and I understand your pain. I am so very sorry that this is your experience right now, for quite some time now.
What you are experiencing is very normal, all about coming to terms and readjustment, it is the really big stuff of life.

Emotionally, I too have started to wish that I could go back too, to wish that it was true, to have the comfort again. I am seeking out LDS to be with. But, like you, I know I would never be happy.

There are a lot of us in this boat, you are not alone.

There are sites that help deal with the issues around religious transition and the restructuring of a life.

You are very young, You are going to be fine, one step at a time, yes!

I know what it is like to consider suicide, it is important that you mention this. Others too have faced those thoughts. I heard a quote once, something like 'The end is where we start from'.

You just need to find something that you know that you can do and do you know what that is? I will tell you, it is to be yourself!
Just eat what you like the taste of, watch the programmes you like to watch, follow the hobbies that you enjoy, try something you fancy but have never made opportunity to try yet. Breathe and don't think about it all too much. Do you want to feel better? Now this question is not unreasonable or insensitive, it is very powerful, because I know that sometimes it can seem a strange question to ask. But if you can decide that you want to feel better, then it can start to happen, you can soon start to feel much much better. You are in control of you and it can be a wonderful discovery Meep.

You are going to be just great, I am certain of that. :romance-caress:

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:51 pm
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
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http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3

Meep this is a brilliant talk that helps me out, I definitely recommend the storm walk.

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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Meep
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:36 pm
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Thank you thank you so much for your reply. It means so Mich to me to hear something positive from someone. I posted here honestly not sure about what kind of response I would get.

What does make me feel better about this whole thing is that I'm not alone in this. It's so relieving that I'm not just a crazy person hehe. I'm so ready to move on and I'm glad there are people to talk to who will understand my feelings.

I will definitely check that out. Thank you so much!


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 2:19 am
myself

Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:34 pm
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:greetings-wavingyellow:

Good morning Meep. Yes, we are here. Looking forward to getting to know you better.

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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productofchoice
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:19 am
God

Joined: Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:49 pm
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Hi Meep,

Welcome and Congrats on finding your way out.

Quote:
what makes me feel as though I am so worthless?


I think you pointed to one thing, the strict laid out game plan and rules and measurements that the LDS offer.

A works based faith is great for those who are good workers. If gives them something to boast about or be proud about. It directs people to their accomplishments.

Eph 2:8-9 wrote:
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.


For those who are not good keepers of the law/rules it brings depression and pain. It makes one feel like a failure. It brings a person to the end of themselves. And lets be honest, who even keeps the LDS Sacrement promises they remake and rebreak each Sunday? It's a promise to always remember Him and that's probably already broken before the service is over.

For many LDS, it's very depressing to belong to that religion. And leaving the church ... well that's the biggest sin of all according to the LDS with a very bleak future laid out.

But I can tell you that it's much better being outside of the LDS and off of the hampster wheel of religious rules and none of use can really keep.
And things get much better when you stop believing their belittlement of you because you don't keep their rules ... because you aren't under those rules anymore.


This bridges into a second topic, that of conditional love.

As a Mormon, I felt conditional love from God. I felt that my value to Him was dependant on my ability to please Him by doing that impossible TO-DO list. I felt like I had to hide who I really was from God and others by pretending that I was good where deep down I knew I didn't measure up ... but I tried. I had the impression of a God who was sitting on His throne with arms folded and a scowl on His face.

I no longer believe that.

I believe what the Bible says about God... that He is love and He presued me while I was yet in my sins and that Jesus died for all of my sins. Now I am free in Christ to have the relationships with God that I want to have. I no longer have to live thinking that God is worried about my sins. There is a better way to live and to treat people and sure, some of the things I could do would have legal and interpersonal ramifications on my life, but I'm adopted into His family now.

I find that the LDS put conditions on God's love. And that's what conditional love does to a person ... it makes you feel no more worth while than your ability to keep those conditions.



Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17


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teoma2
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:47 am
God of Mythbusters

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You are most welcome here Meep. As I read your post here, it was so reminiscent of my journey out as well. and provided me with several flashbacks of what it was like for me back then. All that painful negative stuff that goes into making the big step or jump away from the beast we have come to know and understand more. Be most assured, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your feelings. Stay here and take some deep breaths. Receive some reassurance that your new choices and perspectives are correct for you.

_________________
"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."


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Meep
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:24 pm
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Thank you all for your responses and support. It's an odd feeling, I know vaguely what I want. I've known since I was a child that I wanted a career, I wanted to get out into the world and make something of myself. But of course, as a female I'm supposed to stay at home with the kids. And for awhile I tried to fight back, no, that's not what I want to do. But it eventually became tiresome and I accepted my inevitable fate. And now suddenly that's all different! I don't have a life already planned out for me! It's exciting and frightening at the same time, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm glad to at least know that I'm not alone and that I can get support from somewhere.


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smartenough
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:37 pm
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Meep, welcome to the Exmormon Forums. I first felt enraged,disappointed,depressed when I found out the truth about the LDS Church. It was a week after determining that the LDS Church was a hoax that I decied to move on with my life and read the Bible for the first time in a long in a serious way. The nasty feeling of anger disappeared after I decide to move on.


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teoma2
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:02 am
God of Mythbusters

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You're not lost anymore Meep, just starting a new beginning for yourself.

_________________
"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."


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Abinadi
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:02 pm
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Hi, Meep. No, you're not crazy. And only temporarily "lost" while you get your new bearings. You're welcome here. If you can attend an Exmormon Conference in person, you'll meet some wonderful people, make new friends, and have fun.


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Meep
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 1:20 am
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Yeah I am planning on attending this year's conference if there is one. I've been real excited about it after listening to some of the older ones.


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MollyNoMo
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 2:35 am
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Hi Meep,

I know you've already had so much response to your post, but I really identified with what you wrote so I wanted to add my two-cents. I just wanted to let you know that from my perspective, I think it's a good thing you gained this birds-eye perspective about growing up a robot vs. making your own choices. You really are a youngin, and you haven't lost much time. FYI, I went through this exact same thing, just for more years. I am a naturally open-minded person and I absolutely love basically every field of study there is, and yet I don't even have my associate's degree yet, and it's because I was caught in that tug-of-war you described. I would start school dreaming about a career and then quit out of fear of incurring debt that might be a burden on my future spouse. I would have lovely daydreams of being a scientist or lawyer and then beat myself down with the thoughts that I need to be a wife and mother first. Please don't do that to yourself. Don't be afraid to try things, get your feet wet, and explore. You can take a variety of classes and then choose a major. You don't have to choose a major now. Even when you get your bachelor's, the odds of starting a job in your field of study are actually not that high. It's a tough job market, so you're going to have a few different jobs as stepping stones to your dream job. And just because you start one class or take one job doesn't mean that's what you have to keep studying or it's where you'll be working your whole life. A realistic expectation for people in our generation is that we will have a few different careers throughout our lives because of the state of the market and economy. I'm just trying to say, don't be afraid of going with the flow. You're really not choosing the next fifty years of your life. You're choosing one semester at a time, and one job at a time. Enjoy experiencing new things and as you accumulate experiences, focus on how they have rounded you out as a person and what you've gained from each new experience. Don't try and cram your life into a cookie-cutter. You are way too unique for that!

Sincerely
MollyNoMo


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Meep
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 12:54 am
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Thank you MollyNoMo, I like your name by the way! That is spot on how I am feeling now. I'm so afraid to commit to something in fear that I'll be stuck doing it for the rest of forever, or that I'll fail at it. I was never expected to do much in this regard so it feels so alien to me to try to pursue a career. I look at my siblings with envy, who are so confident in who they are and what they want. I want to be like that someday.


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 5:01 am
myself

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Hey!

I have been thinking about your signature. It seems a bit sad to me. I hope that in time you come to find the One in whom you were were born to know your identity. ;)

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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teoma2
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 9:27 am
God of Mythbusters

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I concur with Lilly's assertion. As time goes on Meep, and you change your outlook, it may behoove you to change signatures too. Not that your original choice here is not correct for you right now, but as change occurs within, you will view yourself a lot differently in the future.

_________________
"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."


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Meep
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 11:51 am
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Ehh, don't think too much about it. Just something my dad has quoted a lot recently. That I semi identifies with.


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Melanie
Post  Post subject: Re: I feel so lost  |  Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 12:31 pm
myself

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Oh Meep, We didn't mean for you to remove it! Sorry if I caused offense.


Now I had better think about mine now!

_________________
Why leave? http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 989OOSOycw
How to heal? http://media.blubrry.com/mormonexpressi ... ion225.mp3


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